Terribleminds Flash Fiction Challenge: Fairy Tales Remixed

This weeks Terribleminds challenge, was to pick a fairy tale (any) and then rewrite it. The twist being, Chuck included a list of twenty subgenres, to which we had to (preferably) pick at random.

The RNG at Random gave me a six: Satire. And I chose Snow White as my fairy tale. See results below.

Snow White

“Siri, Siri, open Google, search; the prettiest lady of them all”

The phone made a beep. Vanity White waited impatiently for it to beep again.

“Sorry, I don’t understand; hear me, hear me opengoggle search defeatist of thermal”

She made a sound like a wounded Jaguar, and hurled the phone against the wall. She got up from the dressing table, and made her way down stairs. As she descended, Vanity could see a pair of pasty legs draped over the arm of the sofa.

“I know right, it’s like toe-ta-lee unfair”

“Snow” she said when she reached the bottom

“O.M.G, I know!” the girl continued to speak into the phone.

Vanity could not stand to be ignored, nothing riled her more than a lack of attention.

“Snow!!”

The girl ceased her conversation with the phone, and looked round, with an expression of disgust.

“Hold on Cindy, there’s a rude person in the room” she cradled the phone to her chest “Yes?”

“Where is your father?”

Snows face shifted shape like a bad smell entered her nose

“I don’t know, he’s your husband”

Vanity stalked off, her designer heels clicking as she left. Snow gave her attention back to the phone

“Sorry” she said “yeah, that was her

Vanity walked into her husband’s study, its walls lined with framed gold and platinum records. But he was nowhere to be found. She rounded his desk, and opened up Google, then typed:

Who is the prettiest lady in the world?

The results came back, like a knife in the chest. Picture’s of Snow. She gritted her teeth, cheeks filled with bright frustration, eyes flared with rage, but her face remained unmoved. The silky raven hair, deep rouge lips, and flawless pale skin of Snow stared out at her from the screen. Vanity clicked a link, taking her to Snows Facebook profile. She read the latest post:

“Can’t wait for tonight, going to see The Seven Deadly Sins! – Thank you Daddy, love you! xxx”

Forty five people had liked it, and now, with a brain wave of malice, so too did Vanity.

Snow White and Cindy Charming arrived at The Forest Stadium in a Limousine her Dad had arranged. The crowd was heaving outside, but they were V.I.P, meaning; backstage passes, free drinks, and no queues. As they walked in they talked excitedly to each other.

“Who’s your favourite?”

“Wrath” said Snow “he’s just full of fire”

“Mine’s Lust, talk about passion” said Cindy

They giggled, continuing their chat all the way to their seats. They were front row, centre stage. The lights were still on, and everyone was in the process of finding their seats. A waiter brought round a tray of champagne. Snow knocked hers back, feeling the bubbles float rapidly to her head. Twenty minutes, and two more glasses of champagne later, the lights dimmed, and The Sins took to the stage. The arena erupted with whoops, and whistles, and screams. Pride, The Sins lead singer came up to the microphone

“How’s everybody doing tonight?” he said

The stadium erupted further into fervour. Pride smiled proudly, his cropped beard making him mysterious, and the light reflected off his thick framed glasses. The Sins kicked things off with one of their better known songs; ‘Hi-Ho’ progressing with number one hits ‘Happy’ and ‘Bashful’. They were about halfway through their performance, before Snows favourite song came on: ‘Off to Work’. A waitress offered her another glass of champagne, she took it without looking, her half cut eyes glued to the stage. Tray empty, the waitress walked off, the clicking of her designer heels drowned out by The Sins. Snow knocked back her champagne, and continued to dance with Cindy. A minute later Snow leaned across to Cindy, and whispered

“I’m going to the bathroom”

“Okay!” yelled Cindy, carelessly over her shoulder.

Snow stumbled off down the aisle, the floor, the people, the whole stadium seemed to move like water, changing colours as it did. Snow staggered out of the arena, into the kiosk area, in search of the toilets. She opened several doors, finding everything from a mop and bucket, to a singing giraffe. In the end she stumbled into a room she could not define, and collapsed on a giant marshmallow, her eyelids weighed too much to remain open, and she embraced the dark.

Vanity came down the stairs of her house in a Chanel suit, she detested wearing non designer clothes, but she forgave herself given the circumstances. She clicked across the floor to the T.V and switched it on

“Xbox, Xbox, open Google, search: the most gorgeous lady of them all”

The black box whirred; she watched it perform its task. The results came back, like a punch in the solar plexus.

Snow woke up to the mutterings of several voices. She sat up, wondering how she had ended up on this plump white sofa. She looked round, and then yelped.

“Hello Love” said Pride

She was in the dressing room of The Sins. They were spread out amongst the room, some seated on chairs, others on the floor.

“Seems like someone spiked your drink” said Lust, with a wink

“I wish someone would spike my drink” said Envy

“You gonna eat that?” Gluttony asked

“Don’t touch my food!” yelled Wrath

“Can you keep it down, please” said Sloth who was lying on a similar sofa to the one Snow sat on

Snow eyed them all quitely; unsure if the alcohol was playing with her mind. One of The Sins was sat watching the Television, like it might vanish if he looked away.

“Horse racing” said Pride “that’s Greed for ya”

“Hang on a minute” said Lust “you’re Leopold Whites daughter”

Snow nodded, she seemed to have lost her words.

“He’s the King!” said Wrath

“I wish he was my Dad” said Envy

“I would so come and shake your hand right now” said Sloth “if you weren’t so far”

“You sure you’re going to eat that?” asked Gluttony

“I said don’t touch my food!!” shouted Wrath

Greed continued to stare at the Television.

“He’s just a record executive” Snow had found her words.

“The best there is” replied Pride.

Snow went silent again. The Sins continued what they were doing, individually, as she sat watching them. As reality started to drift back in, she could feel her head throbbing, and her mouth was dry. She got up and said

“I’m going to get some water”

“Do a left, and continue straight on” said Pride

“Hey, I’ll keep you company” said Lust, licking his lips

“Sit down!” said Wrath

Scorned, Lust returned to the floor. As Snow closed the door she heard the voice of Gluttony “Are you absolutely sure you’re – ” followed by the sound of palm on cheek.

Snow made her way down the abandoned corridor to the kiosk, she had expected it to be vacant, but a woman was cleaning up.

“Excuse me” said Snow

“Yes dear” the woman replied without turning round

“Can I get a bottle of water” Snow felt her stomach quiver “and a hotdog?”

“No hotdogs luvvy, machines off, but there’s some fruit in that basket” the woman remained busy, wiping the Slushie machine.

Snow looked into an open wicker style bowl, the only thing inside was a bright red apple. She wanted something more substantial, but food was food. Snow picked it up, and took a bite. Her mouth filled with a bitter flavour, but before she could spit it out, she collapsed.

The woman from the kiosk came over and bent down beside Snow, and rifled through her pocket, pulling out her phone. She held down the button, until it beeped

“Siri, Siri, open Google, search: who’s the most beautiful lady of all?”

The phone beeped again, and replied

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand Oogleserch booda most boot full babyoil”

 

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7 Responses to Terribleminds Flash Fiction Challenge: Fairy Tales Remixed

  1. AJ Bauers says:

    This was great! I love the Siri mistakes and turning the dwarves into seven deadly sins. I think Wrath and Envy one-liners were my favorites 🙂 Very funny!

  2. Pingback: Hansel and Gretel: The Aftermath | Jeremy Podolski

  3. Kate Sparkes says:

    Love it! The Seven Deadly Sins were brilliant.

  4. Very nice! Good way of working the Sins in there (who needs Dwarfs anyway?) and the whole Siri thing made me chuckle, because a few folks in my office have iphones, and we’ve spent many a lunchtime asking Siri stupid questions.

    Only other thing I can say is to remember your possessive apostrophes. Other than that, nice use of satire; I think you got it spot on.

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